Every year around my birthday or any of my family members’ birthdays, I get struck by an overwhelming feeling of loneliness, no, that is not the word, I guess I just really miss my mum, my dad, my grandma, my brothers and the smell of my mum’s arepas. At the beginning, I could not understand what was happening, but I could see the pattern appearing around these dates. I can not explain exactly what it is, but let’s say I get a bit more sensitive, I cry more often and I am a bit more distracted. I smile because I know that these feelings are a great privilege, I have people who love me and I love them back. It is a deep feeling that I can not really control or dissipate, not that I even want to do that. My point is that there are people who are connected to you in ways that are intertwined with your identity. Talking to my brothers does not happen very often but when it happens, we have so many of the same traits that it is easy to flow. I honestly wish we were closer or at least we could meet more often. One of the things about this is that I have people here around me who I see every day and who have slowly become part of me who I love and I care about and I am very grateful that they are coming to my birthday. I am also glad that I can express these feelings and emotions to you, I might sound like I am oversharing, but I wish I didn’t feel that way, worried about what I think you think about me for doing this type of blog.
I am not sure if you read my post where I talked about my vision, I mean my actual eyesight, which is better than most people I know actually, I don’t compete with these but I doubt there are many that have this advantage. At first, I thought everyone was blind and then I realised that I am the different one. See when I describe these realities there is a sense of pride, about me or maybe envy because of my eyes, but in reality it is not good or bad, it just is. In the same way, I want to think about me writing about my vulnerabilities, they are what I can see I am feeling. I hope when you read these lines you don’t believe I am depressed, which will be fine if I am. It doesn’t depress me not being close to my family, but it makes me sad sometimes. This is an interesting paragraph trying to convince you that I am a human that feels and it is ok to feel. Hahaha. I am grateful to you for reading my words and please leave me a comment on how you feel about me sharing these circumstances. I am ok, I am actually very pleased in regards to being in Australia, I miss my family. They are in me, my ways of behaving, loving and hating. They are in me as much as I am in them.
At Cortes Dance, we are now a team of around 15 people, a few more than the 2 person dance school I used to run back in Venezuela 15 years ago. My assistant and I had to take care of a similar number of people back then. I am learning and looking for ways to navigate how to work and learn how to listen, direct and enjoy my work with all of them. In the past, I had blind ambition and a feeling of ‘I know it all’. Today I still have those things, but I also have a feeling that it is more fun if I am surrounded by love and connections. That somehow I am capable of exploring different areas of my curiosity thanks to my team. I clearly am a people person, you know, they like to talk, to listen, to tell the worst jokes, to hug and to keep as many people as possible feeling like they belong around them. Undoubtedly, the skill that I am working to improve the most is that I need to clarify my message, and understand my values and the culture that I want to represent. So lately I have been trying to improve my own understanding of my values and how can I live accordingly. I give you one, the value of identity, I am a Latino from Venezuela. I am proud that my body moves with the beat of many of our rhythms, I am loud and I have an accent. I will always do my best to show these in my classes and my meetings, I will try to show love and respect for our culture.
I want to say thank you to you for dedicating a minute to read, about how I love my family so much and how I am surrounded by people who love me and accept me as I am despite being so far away from my Venezuelan home. Yes, this is my home today mate, Australia. I feel so lucky and privileged that I get to grow and share my being with so many amazing people like you. These feelings that are in me right now are part of my identity, part of what makes me me. I want to feel them because they remind me how much I love my people and how much I am all of the things that I do, leaving Venezuela was a decision that I do not regret, it was a decision that led to exploring the world, is a decision that allowed me to be able to connect with you and with so many amazing and beautiful people like you. Thank you for being my beautiful people.
Gracias for reading,
Pedro