Feeling tired, in pain and scared. Adjusting to a new routine that seems impossible right now, seems impossible to navigate the whole thing without pain, or with so much in your mind that sleeping is not that consistent. I am trying to find the right formula, the right place for these puzzle pieces that do not want to fit anywhere. Interesting how I blame the pieces like it is their responsibility to be able to fit where anyone wants them. It is my responsibility to adjust to them, maybe finding a smaller puzzle or just do my best to deliver while I work on getting stronger and a bit more organised in regards to the things I want to do. Which is a bit more than what I am doing now. I have to agree that a lot of my current tasks exist because I could not say no, I gave my word and I am trying to respect that. I am clearly struggling with saying no, I care about people and I am trying my best to be there for them, yet I am not necessarily clear with my own limitations.
Life has a huge restriction, a restriction that is there to show you what actually matters, to put in front of you one thing and while everything else does not exist, it seems like an enemy but It is probably the hero in this story. Time, I want to do so much with so many people and with no one. I just… want to learn to plan my days by having a bit more wisdom about the activities and the people that will be in my every single moment. Science is clear on multitasking not being something that many humans can do efficiently, there is space for a single queue of actions that will build our life. I just wonder how I can find my focus point at this moment. Yes, it is obviously writing, but I started later than usual because I was honestly tired from yesterday. Warm weather and 2 full days of classes. So time also has sidekicks, let’s call it energy. Time and energy seem to be my worst enemies. I am clear that they are, they just exist, they are there in my life and it is up to me to find a way, to find ways to maximise them to enjoy this moment that I am having now.
Meditating and listening to my own intuition, dedicating a few minutes to journal, reading, and going to the gym, are activities that seem vital to be able to listen to what I want, need, or do not want and do not need. I am just realising that in the last week, I have not been able to do many of those things, because all my activities, meetings and commitments are all over the time I should be spending with those activities. My morning routines have been central to most of my progress and decisions in my life. They are the space to stop and have a conversation with myself, in order to find out what are the troubles that are increasing my anxiety. They help me guide my days to the activities I want to do., Yes, I do not want to miss out on a lot of things, but maybe I have to. I really appreciate a lot of the people around me, but I clearly do not have time for everyone. I need to find a way to finish classes and then leave so I can come and rest earlier. Yes, you like people, you like spending time with them, let’s find some time to enjoy their presence with a bit more presence.
It is incredible the amount of nos that have to exist for every single yes in one life. After understanding time and energy, we have priorities. Increasing energy and filling the time slots with the things that you want and the people you love. You have a million things that you would love to have and want to be doing, you probably have enough to live dozens of lives. But you have to invest time in improving your energy, doing your morning routines and respecting your meals, resting and your leisure time. Then with the rest of the time I need it today for work, my goals, and then maybe some other activities. Managing a human life. Adjusting to the last-minute calls, listening to our bodies and intuitions. Respecting the things that I want for me. All of that means putting aside a lot of things, sometimes family, friends and activities that I really love. When looking back to the last couple of weeks, a few of my commitments that are not necessarily on the top list of things I want to do, are probably connected to commitments, because I wanted to try, or I could not find the courage to say no. It reminds me of the serenity prayer, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”. But focusing on those things is not for me now.
God, grant me the serenity to say no to the things I don’t want in my life, the courage to accept the things that are clearly for me and the wisdom to know the difference.
Gracias for reading,
Pedro