The amount of time that I catch myself barking instead of talking, is unbelievable, well I guess I should be proud that I am capable of catching myself. Awareness is one of the most incredible tools at our disposal. I remember I just behaved in a rude manner, I can feel how uncomfortable I can make a situation for the other person and obviously for myself. As a dancer that sees himself in videos, I see how I could be a prick to others or to myself, I am not proud of it and I am sorry, I am human. So it is included in the package. Of course there are circumstances that require you to be more firm and clear, others might perceive it as rude but you are just trying to create some boundaries the only way you know how today. Accepting who you are now.
Part of me is still the same kid I was 3 years ago. The same young adult that went to uni in 2002. Recently I watched a movie that I believed was incredible. It is The one with Jet Li, a great action flick with the perfect soundtrack for the Pedro of its release date in 2001, the Pedro that loved playing some of those tracks on my drum kit. So much fun, I still believe it is a great movie, an actor I respect with a simple Science Fiction plot combined with Martial arts. A simple formula, and a Jason Statham with a bit more hair in a supporting role. I found it amazing how much I enjoyed the movie this time around, this 40 year old me that now has a few more tools at his disposal but still the same boy. I like to think that parts of me are growing more mature, that my practices allow me to connect to this moment, and hopefully become more aware of when I am being different to what I am.
Being rude without noticing might be related to many different things, but basically you are a bit disconnected to this moment, you might be tired, hungry or just worried. It is easy to feel like the moments are not something that we can enjoy. There is so much to do. There is a you that is probably trying to be loyal to himself, and that means finding ways to express his needs. But again I am tired, what do you expect me to do. Maybe we can start by saying sorry if you say something that you did not want to say. Also it could help to acknowledge the feeling you get. Give it some thought and notice that you are trying to do something but you are being distracted and you do not know how to say no and then go and do what you want to do.
Self respect, awareness and taking the time to communicate first to yourself and then to others that you want to do something different. There are a lot of unwritten rules that I just assume but I do not understand. And some I even understand, but maybe my body does not know how to move forwards. It feels stuck in the moment so it can deal with the moment. I can now see that it is ok, for a lot of stuff, it is ok. To say what we need to say, to go and commit to anything you want to commit. I guess it takes a little bit of work, paying attention. I think It takes me a long time to realise the mistake. I already did the thing I didn’t want to do. Sometimes, I will say that these days I am more in my body when things are happening around me. Sometimes I prepare myself to live fully at that moment, with clear control of my circumstances. Sometimes I can predict how I will feel so I prepare the world around me to deal with whatever needs dealing with.
There is a part of us that sometimes is somewhere else and makes mistakes. I could just decide to judge and criticise it. But it is a better idea to embrace ourselves with love and kindness. Kindness that can be passed to anyone around you and then take the criticism. Kindness that allows your words to express your feelings and act maybe not according to how we feel but how we want to feel. We can predict that we will be hungry if we do not eat food, so if you did not eat food, you are going to be hungry and angry, Hangry and talking not like ourselves . We could prevent the hanger by anticipating and bringing a snack or simply learning to feel hunger and preparing ourselves and others if possible, for what is to come. So when you are changing to green, maybe just be there, be present, accept your feelings and allow yourself to just be, even though it could be painful. You do not have bad intentions, just probably a bad day, or just a bad minute that you allowed to get a hold on your presence. Lets see the minute, accept your reality and move on to what gives you peace. Because seeing the moment brings a clear presence. Let’s invest some time, just feeling without running away from it. Understanding that feeling bad does not stop your happiness, it just adds distractions that could hurt. Pain is not something to run from but towards, because we learn to be a bit more kind to others and oneself.
Gracias you for reading,
Pedro
Ps. Writing at night is a bit harder, maybe because I am falling asleep