Being brave, standing in a moment where decisions will leave you with a loss. I am not talking to you when you are about to take a big turn in your life, I am talking about the one in the past, the one that we probably forgot. Remember leaving your hometown to go and study in the capital, or leaving the country to try to find better opportunities for your future. In hindsight, they look impressive, and they also look logical, they felt right, they showed you that it was the best decision. Bravery, about to do something that will very likely leave you with a loss, probably a big one, but there is not any other way. I wanted to study in the best Uni in the country, there is no other way. It is not in Puerto Cabello, it is in Caracas, so you need to leave your family, your friends, no regrets, it was clear, it was meant to be, I made it happen, I was sure of it. I still remember being 16 years old, entering my parents room to deliver my decision. I felt like my dad was going to close my opportunity, but I imagine my dad was just preoccupied with how he could help, you know parenting, It was an awkward conversation, one I did not have the tools for, my dad didn’t either. So a few years later I was ready to start preparing for leaving my home, for the first time in my life. Everything was exciting, but when I decided to leave my country, it was a bigger decision.
My mum, my dad and one grandma, the one still alive, a few aunties that I love and so many friends. A list of people that were my life until that point, people that I missed, that I wish I could see more often, but due to the distance and the cost I have only had the chance to see them not even a handful of times in the last ten years. Now with a better and more clear path, I could probably improve the number to maybe half a dozen in the next 10 years if I am lucky, very lucky. My parents are turning 70 this year and my grandma is 88. This is a reality that breaks my heart as I write this. That makes me believe how much your dreams and your decisions cost. What drove me to my reasons for taking such outlandish decisions, this is not a letter of regrets, this is a letter to remind you how beautifully brave you are. Because for me living could not be in Venezuela, I wanted more from the world, and yes that means leaving everything for the unknown, but I trusted that I will be fine, I learnt a lot in these last ten years and I lived a few lives with all the things I did. I believe my nature is being free and working hard, being an artist that wants to communicate with the world. So you have me, my writing, my dance, my everything because of that decision. Because, in part you have to be braver than to stay in a place that is not meant for you anymore.
How brave? How brave do you need to be everyday to not follow your heart, to numb your feelings, and do nothing about the things that matter to you. Staying behind, I am glad to be in front of this keyboard, even though my family is away and sometimes I cry with how much I miss them. I know that I am in the right place. I am understanding my place in this life. I am realising that I am not describing bravery but coverdy. Scared away with regrets or not doing the thing you know you could do. Of finding out that you couldn’t. But in the trials of life you discover who you are and what you are made of. Honestly when I look back I just see contradictions thrown at you again and again, leaving what you love, for what you really love. Understanding that you have to listen to your heart, that it needs your love and your care. That you are the only person capable of doing that. That no one can listen to your heart, it is hard enough for you that is closest to it.
Pedro, stop writing to finish this, keep writing because you want to communicate and connect to the words that are inside you and want to be part of this world, let yourself be, stop trying to just finish things, go and write about being brave.
My heart, listening to it, learning its language and letting it guide me to my future and more important to the present. It creates a journey full of obstacles, full of losses, but also fills your life with more of the real you, more of that man that is just love and kindness. A person like you, that has dreams, ideas, and fears. How brave are those that listen to their heart as they go in life. My heart wanted to be here, in Australia, writing for you. My heart loved my mum, my dad and my grandma with all its being, and my heart will try to send those feelings in the best ways it can. While it learns to be my north star, I know that regardless of how cloudy it is today, I know that it is up there, to show me it light and to take me to me. Teaching me and learning with me. Training me for our journey of love, the journey of a Courteous knight, the bravest of all.
Gracias for reading,
Pedro.