Overwhelming feelings are taking me for a ride that I am not prepared for, feeling like I am in a box that is closing in, like everyone around me is pulling me to what a good life is, and adding to the mix my unreasonable kit of insecurities. I want to be a joy giver at all times, to help anyone who needs me, I adjust my afro to be as bright as the sun with rays that warm the soul of anyone who gets in the way. I can see this contradicts part of me being alive at the same time. It is beautiful having all these beautiful features. I know how to bring a smile to people’s feelings and at the same time I am internalising a struggle with my own being. I am some kind of weird superhero who can dance and every flick of my hair brightens people’s day and when I take off the mask I go back to my cold, moveless afro-dance-cave. I am having too much fun looking for ways to express the paradox of my feelings now. I guess this is part of what I am going through. Life always has a way to make you smile and it surprises me consistently with pockets of easy entertainment. I just have to be open to them. And in regard to the apparently distant emotions, let’s have a look at the two parts first and then allow me to analyse these happy pockets and other consistent practices I do.
The dark Pedro. I can’t avoid giggling when I type this line, because it sounds funny to me, but I really believe I have that, and in many ways, I am that. Yes, there is a dark side in all of us and honestly, I just feel sorry for it, not in a derogatory way but more in a sensitive caring way. Sorry because I don’t think it receives enough attention. Also, because it has the world against it, there is no space or right moment to feel a bit low in life. We all agree that it is not true, though I do not open myself enough to it. These feelings could dispirit the best of me and because I have this great quality or easy entertainment and might avoid this other persona very often. It is so tricky to even write about because I fear being judged and I am not necessarily talking about the vices I might have, I am talking about the sad person that I am in many moments lately. I want to say to myself, that it is ok to be that way. I am finding ways to talk about and let it express. I have a great support system, including a psychologist, some close friends and family. I think I could use them more often, but I sometimes feel that I do not want to know or hangout with this part of me which makes the whole thing a lot more worrisome for the world. I do not write to make you feel sorry, this is me trying to say that it is ok to talk. To reach out to whoever you want and express whatever you want. Maybe a blog is not the way for you to do it, but please go for a coffee with a human who loves you and tell him, her or them about this. It is ok to do that. This dark Pedro is beautiful and I really love him, I just want to say it more. I am just too busy with so many other things that seem more important but in reality I do not know if they actually are.
The light in me, this one also makes me giggle, especially because I sometimes struggle to admit that it is true. I have a unique power when I am me. I can make people around me capable of enjoying life a bit more. I can make them laugh, inspire them and make them think about things that are important to them. A lot of the time I ignore this part as much as I ignore dark Pedro, again like there is something wrong with it. When honestly it is a great characteristic that I have and many people like you also have. We should not only show it, we should hone it and make it better, while embracing its real capabilities, which honestly brings so much happiness to the world. I love smiles and the sound of laughter when I am surrounded by people, I love the eyes when people are honestly sharing their light. I am learning to allow the people around me to show me their bright side. You and I, we all have it and even now after hundreds of people and students commenting on my qualities, I still doubt them instead of embracing them. I know you have some light, even a little bit, that creates love and motivation around it. So what is it and how can we just love it and make it part of our everyday life?
Looking for solutions to overcome overwhelming feelings and the contrast that my personality represents, it seems like I have to find a balance with what I am and blah blah blah. I think right now I am doing a lot more than I can handle and I’m finding ways to simplify what I am doing, taking care of myself and the people around me is the priority. Even though I have a plethora of actions and responsibilities, I would like to make it my priority to investigate what are the things that really matter and are falling within my values and goals. Having enough time to appreciate what I am as well as what I have to offer and what I actually want to offer is important. Honestly, I believe that communicating with my people, those I know I can count on is on my list. I also think it is ok to accept my shortcomings and my low moments, opening time to write not necessarily for you, but for myself as a consistent practice. I think I could also be a bit more confident in regard to the way I make decisions. I am proud of what I am building and what I have achieved. I think it is time to build more of that confidence around the things I am doing. We all have an immense archive of pockets of happiness, let’s have a look more often. Please tell me about them.
I love you, I really do, thank you for reading my blog. I hope that my search for insights leaves you with some of your own.
Pedro