Tracking, reviewing, and analysing the process, always looking for better ways to do things, at least that is something that I hope to do, but life gets in the way when you’re aligned with a few too many projects, that is why you haven’t got to the second part of the Meditation retreat. I honestly thought that I would tell you a more conclusive follow-up to that blog. Yet, these lines are built to write about the things that are happening in my life that I think will probably connect with something you are experiencing now. Looking for a tool that might serve you or at least a few minutes for you to read my thoughts. I have struggled to sit down for the last 4 weeks, always skipping hours of flowing words, and I believe this is a more important topic for me to write about. Why am I ok with adjusting my path, maybe finding a justification to do what I pleased or maybe a wiser way of letting go of something that might not serve me. I am honestly looking to read the compass of my life, the purpose of the wants, the things that over the years I have found is something that bring some meaning to my life. Teaching, learning, and connecting are some of my values, but beyond that, I am struggling to see the things I want in my life.
Life has its ways of continuing regardless if you are doing what you want or not, or living to your values. We sometimes are just trapped in life admin, or maybe you are not doing life admin at all you are just so busy doing whatever the days call you to do, work, renovations, friends, another house party with a lot of people in your circle, there is not a clear inner circle anymore. Last time for this is to be a ranting blog, but that is what I think I have been doing, I want to exercise and eat well, but a lot of my friends, people that I love, appreciate eating to enjoy life and I am honestly struggling with that, I feel a bit like an alien for wanting to do me, I do not think I ever allow myself to do that. In part because of fear of being rejected. Both are the same thing. All I want to say is that I believe that it is ok to try to do anything, accept Pedro, and accept that these doubts are part of who you are. If there is a mould or an ideal way of living, I don’t think I have ever been like that. Studying in a Catholic primary and secondary school would not change the wants I always had for living and experiencing the world, traveling, learning another language, looking always for better ways to listen to my heart and the world, being able to follow my gut sometimes but other times following my insecurities. I honestly am just listening a little bit more these days, listening and reflecting on the things I am experiencing.
It seems that I always have an opinion, something to add to the conversation. I even have an opinion about my opinions, but because I am talking, I do not listen, not only to others but to myself. Opinions are a bunch of words that sometimes pull me away from really connecting with the moment. How is the weather? Who cares? Put on a jacket if it is too cold and dance in the rain if it pleases you. A lot is going on in my life that is more important than what I think about the heat that will make me sweat a bit more than other days. Pedro, say something else then, maybe I will say nothing, but I would love to say nothing to someone I would love to spend time with, I would love to hear about your fears and your wants, let’s do some hiking, lets find things to do that add consciously to the life you want to live.
I am honestly talking to you without an opinion about what you are doing, I am talking about accepting that my people talk about the weather, that today you are not necessarily in the place that you dream to be. You like sugar and it is ok that you are learning to leave your phone outside your room at night or that the only way of improving something is through seeing them, accepting them and doing what is next. It’s about listening to them and then doing what you really think is what you want for yourself. Maybe you are not ready to talk to someone else about yourself and not about footy or politics. Or you might really love Trump’s decisions, if that is true, it is ok. Whatever your position is at this moment, stop, have a look and keep trying to fill the wisdom backed with care and love for what you currently are.
I love my writing, but today, I am organising my life. I want to see life as it is. I want to come here and tell you that I am trying to listen to my moments as much as I can. I accept that I do not do it as much as I can, that I am a work in progress and will probably always be, and that I am especially learning to listen to my limitations as much as my virtues. We can enjoy it if we listen, if we accept. Honestly, it seems painful sometimes, but I am here when my heart feels fear, for not having enough time to do everything it would like to do, but instead of numbing myself, I am learning to sit with it and do things to slowly fill my life with habits that take me closer to be aware of my existence.