I want to say that I remember everything I have been through, but there are more gaps than you would expect, yet life has a cyclical behaviour, we as humans tend to walk a similar path throughout our lives. I always like the idea of the spiral, specifically a spiral that goes up. We are the one building that little path, it is a path that is climbed slowly, steadily where the experiences pretend to be different challenges for an apparent different Pedro. Always scared of falling from the edge and ending up behind in life, or maybe below. The continuous cycling represents moments in life that are quite similar, maybe some of the actors are not, but things can be obviously from our past. I remember when I decided to stop playing baseball and how confronting it was to stand in front of my dad to tell him, it was a very similar feeling when I decided to leave home to study in the capital. Similar moments of transition that could help me understand easier when I decided to leave my country and move to Kangaroo’s land. I could go and tell you a few dozen scenarios when I had to leave something that was my everything at a certain point in my life. Yet, every time, I was slightly different, because life insists on teaching us and I like to believe that I learn a little bit in every experience, helping me to find and somehow shape who I am. In general I wish I paid more attention, I had better tools or I was slightly wiser. I can’t imagine a better way than reflecting through some of the experiences in my life.
Reflecting always takes me to this, a full page filled with anything that comes to my life, and I wonder how I can even imagine that I will fill this page with something, hopefully with wisdom or maybe with some thoughts that barely make sense. Either way, I always find some way to clarify ideas and I wonder If I lift a couple of moments from my life and try to answer as the Pedro of those specific moments to see what could I learn today.
15 years old Pedro:
You are in ninth grade. You are still playing baseball, finding love for the first time and learning to play a musical instrument. Baseball is not cutting it any more, you go to study a bit of English in the capital of the state every saturday, you don’t have much confidence but you are smart. You are talking to Egdylu most days of the week, your father is building a new home for everyone. I am doing well in school. I am a good kid. What can I ask myself? What was I dreaming of at that age that still lives in me now? I want to be honest, I want to see the world, I want to see what I am capable of. It is time to really see the world, starting by creating my own plan to achieve the things I want. What do you want? I do not know. – Ok that sounds a bit more honest. It is ok, so the question is more what do you think you want? My girlfriend forever, and stop laughing, I really think that is what I want. – I laugh because I know that is not true, but I understand that you believe that. – I don’t really care what you are saying. Can you let me tell you a bit more? – I would love to study engineering like my brother. I would love to see the world, I think I would like a bit more responsibility in my own decisions. I want to do more, I want to learn more. I am actually glad that you are here seeing you. Because I think we forget that I am one and the same. We sometimes ignore our real needs. – Thank you for talking.
25 Years old Pedro:
You are living back at your parents, you own a dance school, you are trying to get the idea of adulting, but you still live in the same room you were in highschool Buying a house or renting anything seems impossible, you want to be alone, you do not want a relationship, however you are more and more committed to that woman. The dance school is going well. And you just want your first national championship after a year of working really hard. That is beautiful. Ok the question. Am I building a life, or just getting really good at performing one? Wow, this is a lot to answer, but I am not clear that I am building anything at all, just living day by day without any idea of what I want to build. I want to learn to organise, I feel like I need help, I really struggle to build something. Well I have a great group of people around me, dancing and enjoying but I honestly believe that there is nothing there. It feels incomplete, like there is a lot that I would love to create in different ways. It is like I am far behind in having control of what is happening. – Yes but I can see, happy in times, yes I am, I am just pushing, doing and going in the best way I believe is possible.
I want to say to me, thank you for existing, somehow I feel like I want to write and visit you soon to build on this and I know I will. I can see that we have always been here. But somehow, unable to talk to each other because I am the only one that has the key to connect us. Simplify Pedro and find space. I know it feels kind of impossible. I can see you doing it. Please be honest, everything is going to be fine. Be honest and understand decisions with the biggest scope. Take responsibility as an opportunity to understand your actions better. I love you and it is magical to see you learning, to see you going.
Gracias for reading, and sorry for not expanding more on the topic. Yep I got trapped by my own rules!